inglisch 2

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L’Inglisch 1- at s-ku:l

(di Laura Bertola, Teresa Ducci, Paola Lerza, Riccardo Michelini, Clara Salafia)

a cura di Paola Lerza

...ma voi ve le ricordate le tre "i" che sarebbero entrate nella scuola italiana? Una era la "i" di "inglese", o meglio... di "inglisch", quello che la riforma avrebbe consentito di insegnare così bene ai nostri alunni... ebbene, noi sul forum D lo abbiamo messo in pratica... e lo abbiamo parlato a scuola, per la strada, nelle situazioni più disparate... Guardate un po' che cosa ne è venuto fuori, e fatevi quattro sane risate!

SEPTEMBER: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Bidell - Boys and girls, all together in front of the porton...
Pupils - What two balls, me sto già a rrompe.
Bidell - 3° A, come in behinde the italian teacher.
I Pupil - Is she the same of the scors year?
II Pupil - Of course. Sta bbrutta comunista! Pure la machina rossa cià...
I Pupil - Which car? A Ferrari?
II Pupil - Have you drunk your brain? E quanno mai se la pò comprà quella 'nfamona che sì e no in un anno guadagna quanto me zzio cor banco der pesce ai mercati ggenerali...Quella cià na punto scassata che quanno la turn on me pare mi nonno coll'attacco de asma, she is a pezzent!
Bidell - 2°A, come in...Fermi voi de prima, stop. You are reformed!
Romoletto Pupil - A Marioo, scappa che qui ce vonno portà ar riformatorio!
Mario Pupil - E te l'avevo detto Romolè! When you shipped the borz yesterday to that woman, passava de là la maestra dell'anno scorzo! Sta 'nfamona fracica, vvuoi vedè c'ha fatto la spia! Daje Romolè, scappamo! Passamo to the paritary school, je facemo vvede nnoi...
Romoletto Pupil - Ecciai raggione! Facemo er jump with the ast e in un par de years semo bell' e diplomati!

AT LA LAVAGN

Maestra: Take a piece of chalk!
Bambino: Ciocca sarai te!
Maestra: Eccch'hai capito? stavo addì o ggesso!
Bambino : a o cesso già ci andai, ma rotto sta! Me l'haddeetto obbbidello!
Dirigente (aprendo la porta): Stop it! Let's speak only inglisch, pliiiiis! (i bambini si alzano in piedi) Sit daun, pliiiiis!!!
Bambino: Tu si' daun, e anche nu poco out of test!
Maestra: (riportando l'ordine) Let's sing a song!
Dirigente: (fuggendo inorridito) Let's go to Sing-Sing! And without any song!

TODAY... TEST!

Teacher - today you uil hev a test!
ragazz - ticiar, exkiusmi, annamo bbene! E' venuta a dirci che c'abbiamo 'a testa? E che famo, lezzione d'anatomia?
Teacher- A TEST, disgraziatt, a verific!
ragazz - aaaahh...
Teacher (ma perchè mi viene sempre da scriverlo maiuscolo?) - teik ior fogl! rait daun ior neim e tutto quant! Let's incominciam! Dictation..
(mano alzata) - I've dimenticated the fogl...
teacher - prend one from the quadernon! Quick, quick! Time is money! We are an impres, mica a school!!! Ricominciam: dictat..
(mano alzata) - ticiar, can I scriv con the bir ross?
teacher - NOOOOO!!!! de ross is a brutt color! Very ma very brutt!! Allooooraaaa!!! Posso fare 'sto dettatooooo?!?! Dict...
(mano alzata) - can I take...
teacher - ooooohhhh, at last! What a perfect English you...
(quello di prima) - ...the fazzolett in the giaccon?
teacher - no... no... what's my name? Elizabeth? Letizia? Nooooo! Letizia no! Children, be brav an attim, I dev go to the bagn....
children - you don't può, now!... DRINNN DRINNN DRINNN.... we have the prov of evacuazzion anti-incend...
teacher - @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

DURING ITALIAN INSATUR HOUR

Italian teacher: Listen to me pupils!
Pupils: ???
I.T.: Now it's time to study english
I Pupil:Ancora? Chist'è sciuta pazz! Jamme belle, ca fusse la vota bbona ch'a proff se take six mounths for hillness!!!
I.T.: Statte bbuno First (è il nome, pupil è il cognome)! Don't you know ca l'ore d'italiano se so' ristrette?
II Pupil: 'O preside ha sbagliato programma di lavaggio 'ncoppa 'a uoscing-mascin!
I.T.: Bi quait, Second (è il nome, pure il suo cognome è Pupil, so tutti figl 'e 'n pupil!) e ripass the lesson.
I P.: Oggi c'era il complemento d'aggente
II P.: Quale aggente?
I P.: Chille ca sta 0n fronte o portone, ca se gli domandi d'uscì di nascosto te dice: "Ije so 'ncorruttibbile, nun me spruvà. There is no tripe for the cat left!"
II P.: Maronn! Ha pigliat 'o virus puress!
I P.: No, 'o VIRUS is the booklet ca c' ha mannat 'o ministero pe nun ce fa ffa 'e cose zozze!
II P.: 'Sto zozz!
Italian Teacher: Hi che bella jurnat 'e mmerd

L'INTERROGAZZZIONE

teacher - Did you study the lesson?
pupil - Manc penzato ci ho!
teacher - In English, please!
pupil - I haven't even thought about it.
teacher - What a shame!
pupil - Scemo ammè?
teacher - mannò, viggogna! Shame, shame e pity!
pupil - e cchefffài, me pitti po' o' culo?
teacher - oh, saint Polent! I can't listen to such bad words!
pupil - E sse nun te piasce uord, guardate o pouerpoint!
teacher - It could be a good idea: pas de mots, nous faisons le point du notre pouvoir!
pupil - Allora semo fritti! We're grilled!
teacher - E mo' checcentrano i grilli? How many crickets have you got in your head?
pupil - hocccapito, vado a pposto!

AT THE PC

teacher: Switch the pc on
pupil: cheaddetto?
teacher: Appiccia o piccì, capa 'e rapa!
pupil: and then? E mo'?
teacher: wait while loading
pupil: ehi, se sta a ccaricà come er gioco de la pleistescion!
teacher: No play! We're at school! No station!
pupil: e dddài! No Martini No party!
teacher: Come, nun te parte o piccì? I know, sorry... I know, I see, io ved... all the pc in this school are scassated... how can we work with scassated computers?
pupil: three "I": Impossible, Inefficient, Inculated!
teacher: SHAME!!!! I tapp my orecchies!! Give me your diary, immediately very prest!
pupil: ecco, ce lo sapevo... 'naltra jornat'e'mmmerda

DURING THE BREACK 1

Alunno:- May I go to the bagn?
Maestra: - No, it's time to parl in english
Alunno:- But I can't, it's too urgent!
Maestra:- Urgent? Impar l'inglish is urgent, and internet, and impres is urgent...Only These tre I are very urgent
Alunno:- All of this in the intervall?
Maestra:- Of course (di corsa, perchè il tempo scuola è stato ridotto...)
Alunno:- But the intervall is finited
Maestra:- Well, vuol dir che impar inly one I...like IGNORANT

DURING THE BREACK 2

I Pupil: What are you eating?
II Pupil: Nooo, when it's too much, it's too much!
I Pupil: Is it bread and jam? Is it brioscin farcited with cream more milk, less cocoa? Is it KEIK?
II Pupil: KEIK, KEIK, n'ata jurnat 'e mmerd!

IN THE BATHROOM OF THE SCHOOL

Alunno: Bidell, bidell! The sciacquon is broken!
Bidello: You are always the solit...
Alunno: But it is not my colp...
Bidello: I am going to chiam the presid!
Alunno: Please bidell, don't chiam the presid...The wc was scassated before I trasette in to the bathroom!
Bidello: Well, this time I will perdon you. Here you are a little bit of igienic paper...
Alunno: But I don't need it...
Bidello: ...and a pen. Devi fare i tuoi homework of english pure dint' o gabbinnetto!

DO YOU AVANZ 10 MINUTES? COMPRESENZ! MUSIC + INGLISCH

Teacher – Gud monin’...
Students – No, ticer, dis isent io:r auar! Your lesson is dop!
Teacher – eh, no, mamma’s coccs, this time I’m not sciroccated...
Students – (a proffe, stavvolta può esse, ma ttutte quell’altre, sì!)
Teacher – be brav, I’m herequì ‘cause I’ve 10 minutes vuots, so I vien to far a compresenz; today, music in inglisch!
Students - §#@@*@**###@@§!!!
Teacher dde musica – ar you redi? Questo ce lo so anche me!
Student – pigwife cow, sciora teacher, I’ve dimenticated the piffer!!
Teacher dde musica – it goes well (se ddisce cossì vabbe’ in inglese? Boh!)... famo teoria...
Teacher – open your book at the page…
Students – PAGE!! Stavolt I’m preparated, I conosc, I conosc very ben! Jimmy Page and Robert Plant: Led Zeppelin! Let’s cantiam! TA-TA-TA DA DAM! ZU-ZUM ZU-ZUM! TA-TA-TA DA DAM! (con buona pace di “Whole Lotta Love“...)
Teacher – I’ve capited tutt, I’d better to take a camomill!

LET’S SING A SONG: SPRING'S COMING

Teacher: Hey children! Guaglio'! Spring's beginning! let's sing a song!!!
Spring comes singing,
comes singing to your door,
can you tell me what's her score?
La riforma Morattique
and a big palad of shit,
half an hour pour l'anglè,
'n'altra mezza pel fransè,
all together nous studions
e alla fine nous parlons..
but... which language? We don't know,
What's important is to go.
Till the boat goes,
let it gooooooooo!
Till the boat goes,
pas de remooooooo!!!!!

Pupils (getting out): se n'è escita de testa! Annamo, va'!

IN THE KITCHEN

Teacher - Well, in the kitchen we can see... a spoon...
Pupil - A spugna? Quella sta in to bbbagno, in the bathroom...
Teacher - Be silent, please! ... and a fork....
Pupil - io ce la vedrei bene sulla forca, e vvvoi?
Teacher - Be quiet, please!!!... this is a dish...
Pupil - Un disco? Hai visto mai che cce porta in discoteca?
Teacher - Damn! It's impossible to speak English to you! Siete delle capetoste!
Pupil - Ce risiamo co o tost, stavolta se magna. What's there to eat?
Teacher - It...it... it's a very big mess, ecco cos'è 'sta lezzzione!
Pupil - Mo' ce porta pur'a mmmessa, lo discevo prima che nun c'è pppiù religgione!
Teacher - Oh, holy sky! Oh, poor me! Oh pig misery! Oh Cambronne!
Pupil - Well, let's study French, too!!!
Teacher - Yes, one hour and a half a week... the results will be the same you have

with English... oh, poor me

FRUITS

Teacher - Let's speak about... the orange!
Pupil - 'nu spicchio d'arancio? ies tenks, è sempre mejo che gnente!
Teacher - Be silent!... or about the lemon! With the lemon we can make a lemon pie!
Pupil - vebbene anche un paio de limoni....
Teacher - What do you understand...? A pie is a cake! Keik, keik!
Pupil - Ehoccapito, cheik, n'ata jurnat'e mmmerda!

AT THE SCHOOL LUNCH 1

Maestra: - Bambins, will we go to the mens to mangiar qualcos?
Bambini: No, thanks, there are such schifezzes...
Maestra: But we can imparar some English language...
Bambini: While manging? Hasn't anyone imparated to you one can't parl with the bocc pien?
Maestra: Nun ce avevo penzato... ahggià, in inglese... dunque... I haven't ever pensated something like that! Well, let's ritorn to la nostr classroom and jump the past! (che è il pasto, e non il passato)

AT THE SCHOOL LUNCH 2

Teacher:Children, pliis, eat and speak English
Children: How can we do? We 've got a full bocc!!!
Teacher: I don't sacc, the Prime Minister said that and what he says is colated gold
Child1: But I'm manging!!!!
Teacher: it isn't a problem, you can both mang and speak! The Prime Minister said that!
Child 2: Now I comprend what means "parla come magni"!!

THE DAILY ROUTTINE (IL RUTTINO GIORNALIERO)...

Teacher: well, and now c'avemmo eaten and drinken like little porcellyns... it's time to verify the goodness of contents...
Pupil 1: but... I so content, in part, of course...
Teacher: where parts de cors? 'ndò vai! Statte accà!! Don't move...
Pupil 2: Muv engh pur'io! C'ho the spoon in my hand and in the end, I don't pretend to undestand..
Teacher: ecchillalà, here comes "sacctutt'io"... Well, well...
stand there, sinnò te stend io e so' dulore (pains and sorrows)...
Pupil 3: I'm ready! my belly is bell'e full...
Teacher: Fool? Ecché... stammo a play pokker?
Sciattappe uttuquante!!! Ohhhhhhh..... And now all tughedar:
"Repeat after me... Viemme appress... "Inspiration......
Trattenetion..... Concentration..... Piensa a' Reformation... and...
.... Expulsation!!!!!!!!!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Excellent!!!!!!" And tumorrow, si nun morro... we're takkinabba
"il punteggio di Gina"
Pupil 4: Gina's score!
Teacher: Yes!!! Mrs Brikkets is gonna cook beans forall ovus !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pupil 5: What color?
Teacher: De che?
Pupil 5: the vase...

AT THE TV

Teacher : let's watch the TV, today
Pupil: What's on? checccestà?
Teacher: Ballarò.
Pupil: I shall dance? It doesn't freg to me a beautiful gnent.
Teacher : But it's very interesting... they are parling about the riform Moratti
Pupil: ri-form? What kind of form? Rotond? Quadrat?
Teacher: Quadrat will be your head, capatosta!
Pupil: A toast? Yes thanks!
Teacher: Maccche stai addì?
Pupil: I'm hungry, tengo fame, posso mangiare er toast?
Teacher: There's no religion more!
Pupil: e fffacoltativa!
Teacher: what?
Pupil: a religggione!
Teacher: stop watching TV, let's svien here immediately

IN THE GYM

Prof: One - two, one - two, come on pupils, run around the palestr. It's time to do our fisical exercises. Give me the balls!
Pupils: What a two balls, dear teacher!Almen in the palestr parlam in italian!
Prof: Are you crazy? Mett che gets in the cabinet's president...
Pupil: 'Nata volta! The cabinet sta scassato! Nun se ponno fa the bisogn!
Prof: Don't you understand, I'm talking about Mr. Silver Berlinger!
Pupils: Who?
Prof: The most important greasly men!
Pupils:Unto? Praticamente na schifezza!
Prof: Sacrilegious! He's unto by Lord, dal Signore!
Pupils: Is he a culturist? Das he scolpisc his body in the palestr of culturism?
Prof: Nooo, he doesn't! S'è fatt 'o lifting! Adesso stop, me l'avete fatt voi two balls, turnamm 'n classe. Sti scustumati!

MISUNDERSTANDIGS...: "HOME DELIVERY" FROM "WAY POINT", UNIT 8

Teacher: "Ok, now let's repeat the dialogue in pairs..."
...
Pupil A (Bob): Listen Sarah... Can I bring a friend to the party
this afternoon?
Pupil B (Sarah): A friend? But can he play an INSTRUMENT?
Pupil A (Bob): Yes, he's great on the SEX!
Pupil B (Sarah): Wow!!! He can come with you, then. And tell
him to bring his SEX!!!

TOO MUCH FESTS

Pupils: Padre Anto' quand'è quest'anno 'o precetto?
Teacher of religion: Which one?
P.: 'O precetto pasquale!
T.: Pasquale? Is he a new student? Come in, Pasquale, catch a chair e assettate!
P.:Uè, se n'è sciut' e capa! Pasqua, Easter...
T.: Bene, bene, so' ccuntent ca 'o guaglione is happy like an Easter...
P.: Macchè!?!? La Pasqua professo', la festa...
T.: Ah, brutti slackers that your are nothing else! Festa, festa, non pensate ad altro! Nun 'o sapite che ci stanno too much fests in Italy? Amm' a llevà 'o festivo!
P.: Really? Cancellamm 'o Natale, a Pasqua... Che mme frega? Mi trasferisco to a private religious school, 'e facimm 'o stess e fest!
T.: And I to whom insegn religion? That's not a good idea! Se propio feste we have to cancellà, levamme quelle comuniste. Pupils, da oggi so cancellate il tuentifaiv april e 'o primomagg!

LESSON V (WHEN THE BELL RINGS... QUANNO SE N'ANNAMMO)

Teacher: Ammò English polaitnes..
Pupil: But ...ammò sta a sonà...
Teacher: Sciattappe!!!
Pupil: B.E.P.?
Teacher: No, Beppe has already gone..senegiàcchiuto...
sciattappe uttuquante...ohhhhhhh
Well, mo we learn au to sort in a good way...
Pupil: ch'addetto?
Pupil: ch'a tiene a sorata bbona!
Teacher: sciattappe, Ciro! Cyrus....
Pupil: 'tacci sua... pure lo russo sa..
Teacher: you must qiu ap!
Pupil: chuiè?
Teacher: yes, chiuap! One afta di adar... widout scazzà...
let me see ...faciteme vedé ca nun siete little beasts...
RRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG...

THE LESSON IS OVER

teacher - Bidell, bidel... the lesson is over!
Bidell - Ce lo so, ce lo so... I know... the lesson is over the table, the lesson is under the table!
teacher - ma no! Chill'e 'o cat! The cat is on the table, the cat is under the table! The cat, do you understand? The KET!!!
Bidell - E io KETt'hoddetto? Where is the lesson? In the same place of the cat... cats in lesson's place
Teacher - Kazz... te li do io li kazz... Please, will you switch the bell?
Bidell - Bell is nothing, here. All is brutt, brutt'assaje!
Pupils - We're going to make night here... ce stamo afffà nnotte!!

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